There was a time in my life when I wanted to restart my life, like just hitting the reset button of life and becoming somebody different. At one point in my life, I even felt so disconnected from myself that I would ask God to restart my mind and take away everything I didn’t like. You might wonder why I’d ask for something so extreme, but most of my life has been filled with challenges that left me wishing for a fresh start.
I had spent most of my days either at the hospital or school for much of my life. Those two places took over my world, I guess. But there was one place where I found some sense of freedom and where life did not bug me at all, and that place was out in sports competitions. Whether the 800m, 200m, 100m, long jump, or shot put, running events especially gave me a release, a chance to feel alive and free from everything else.
Primary school was a bit tough, and then my mind started to block out the memories. I wanted to get away from all those parts of the past, which I did not want to go back to. In my mind, I put up walls to keep these sufferings away from me.
Years later, I had an accident. I was running over a pole, and my head hit it, thus making several of my memories disappear. It was as if my life was a blank page. I couldn’t remember so many parts of myself or my past. The strange thing was that difficult memories were easier to remember than good ones. I knew my name, that I had pets, and that I loved God, but beyond that, much of my personal history felt lost. I had to relearn who my best friends were and who my family was.
Looking back now, I realise that from who I was before the accident to who I am today, I’ve changed. Partly, it’s like seeing the world for the first time. It’s made me appreciate, even more so, how important time is: you never know what’s going to happen or how quickly life can shift. Relationships in a split second can change. I became more distant from my dad, with whom previously I was pretty close, whereas my mom and I, who weren’t as close previously, are now very connected. My parents had to get to know this “new” version of me, just as I did.
Right now, I’m enjoying life as it is. I am closer to God now than ever, and though I realise that sometimes I will make mistakes along the way, God is continuing to work on the project of being who I am. I’m great and all, but at times, it’s like I jump in and out of two different worlds. I’ll fall back into my old personality or start remembering pieces from before the accident, but it’s never long. Sometimes some people that I used to know say hello to me, but I rarely remember them.
I have become more distant and quiet, although now I am grateful to have God beside me through every struggle. He is my support, even when at my lowest. One Bible verse that keeps comforting me is “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
Knowing that God is always there for me, even when I don’t fully understand myself, gives me peace. Life may bring challenges, but with Him, I know I’ll always have the strength to keep going.
Love you!